2019 Brocathlon Ahhhh the 4th Annual Brocathlon. A 16 man field of elite competitors all pushing themselves past their bodily limits to be crowned this year’s Ultimate Male. There was puking, cramping, sweat, tears, a dislocated shoulder, turf toe; either the group of Brocathletes has become extraordinarily washed, or the passion just keeps reaching new levels. Regardless, the 2019 Brocathlon was a wild one, and Brother Carl shocked Vegas to bring home his crown as Ultimate Male Champion. THE FACTS Rookie Jake Steiner started the day with a tough pairing in volleyball with Murphy as his partner, but the Jake Squared team fought hard and earned a 4th place finish. Nupp separated his shoulder during the warmup game of V-ball – dooming his and Davis’ chances of a strong placing – and hurting Nupp’s overall chances to win the day. The teams of Ferrell and Bryce and Paul and Carl easily proved themselves to be the best, facing off against each other 3 times for a total score of 43-41. This championship matchup ended up single handedly winning the Brocathlon for Carl, while losing it for Ferrell. In the Pull-Up contest, Brennan gave it his all for a whopping zero pull-ups, while J Todd showed a ton of grit to get himself to 6. Ferrell dipped into his bag in the Home Run Derby, ripping off 7 home runs. Rookies Brady Winkler and Davis Bianchi were some favorites in the home run derby, but ended up flopping with 6 and 9 home runs respectively. Davis was NOT enthused. Bryce, who has never hit a home run in his life, was letting some bombs FLY off his bat, hitting 14 and tying for the win with Riley, who won on the tiebreaker with an absolute rocket to left field. In the Beer Mile, Connor outchugged Nupp, but Nupp would not be out sprinted en route to running an incredible 7:03 time, with neither of those two puking. AJ dropped out after 25 meters, setting the stage for a rather disappointing day for himself. Brother Brady had some big Beer Mile talk coming in, but finished with a respectable 9th place. Brother Paul ran in boasting of not being a puker and therefore leapfrogging some people in the standings, but he also faced some allegations of not finishing his beer coming from Gage. You think that lineman can’t throw a football? THINK AGAIN. Mr. Jonny “Junk” Todd was SLANGING that thang en route to victory. Steiner, despite not long snapping the ball like he said he would, was right on his heels. Poor Davis. Another tough showing in this one. Just not quite able to find the groove he was looking for. The swimming was an absolute treat to watch. While Ferrell, Carl, and Riley lived up to their expectations, Paul was able to steal 4th place without even running in the shallow end. Steiner hilariously cramped up after one lap and had to be pulled from the pool to be stretched before he could finish the race, but he did end up finishing. AJ also cramped up, him even sooner than Steiner, but he too was able to finish the race and actually ended up beating Steiner. The Hot Sauce Challenge was absolute chaos. Jason dropped out after doing Tabasco, Bryce dropped out after Death by Wings, and then the real competition began. Because people refused to drop out, 7 people ate two Carolina Reapers, with the 2nd one drenched in Trinidad Scorpion hot sauce. When J Todd finally quit…he QUIT. He took the milk, chugged, puked, then chugged some more. Then he said, GODDAMNIT WE NEED MORE MILK. Self-proclaimed non hot-heads like Carl and Anthony were DEDICATED to beating each other in this event and refused to quit, but their bodies had other ideas. They both ended up puking a few minutes following the 2nd Carolina Reaper. When it looked like Nupp, Murph, Paul, Brennan (who was quite the underdog in this event), and Connor might all win this event, Nupp locked in. He refused to call it quits and made anybody who wanted to win eat one last Carolina Reaper. Paul, Murph, and Nupp were the ones with ice in their veins brave enough to do it, and all three of them ended up winning the event. Connor looked like an absolute zombie the entire time, with tears running down his face and looking like he was in terrible, terrible pain. When he finally quit, he puked as soon as milk touched his lips. His heart was visibly beating out of his chest and there were some worries about the state of his health. HE MADE IT THOUGH. AN ULTIMATE MALE IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE. At knockout, Bryce dipped into his bag and ripped off two wins and a 2nd place finish. That’s not to say it wasn’t close, as Brothers Davis and Riley put up elite performances as well. Jason was a slight disappointment in knockout, finishing in 9th place. The new Cornhole tournament style was a huge success, with Brady, Jason, and Brennan having extremely strong performances wire to wire to win some big, late points (Huge shoutout to the Ferrells here for picking up our 10 Little Caesar’s Hot ‘n Readys). Heading into the final event, Anthony had slipped a little behind the leaders with a disappointing Cornhole finish, and Carl had fumbled his lead to Paul. In a field full of engineers and terrific minds, we had no idea who was going to win it all…. Then, in the final event, more chaos ensued. J Todd drank 4 beers in 7:30 to give himself a 42.125 inch tower. Nupp, a civil engineer who was likely the favorite in this event, flopped, building a tower only 25.5 inches tall. Paul, who needed a strong performance to fend off Carl and Ferrell, could not build a good enough support structure and his fell over. WOMP…WOMP…wompppppppppp. Now for the good stuff. Brother Brady had a HELLUVA structure…69.5 inches…nice. Literally taller than himself. Carl, with the taste of victory in his mouth, built one that was 36.25 inches tall, securing his place in the annals of history.