2020 Brocathlon THIS WAS THE 5TH ANNUAL BROCATHLON AND THE FIRST ONE FOR CHARITY. Our field of 16 ELITE competitors fought tooth and nail to be crowned 2020’s Ultimate Male. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, BROTHER??? THE FACTS Gage was taking shots at 1 AM and woke up in a stairwell 30 minutes away from the Brocathlon, leading to himself and Brennan showing up late. The pairing of JJ and Brennan fought hard to win the loser’s bracket and give themselves a shot at the Sandy Cheeks Tourney victory, but Connor and Riley were just too much to overcome. In the straight-arm planks our resident college athlete, JJ, was incredibly bad, finishing in 12th place. As one may expect at this point, Brother Nupp outlasted the field with a time of 5:15 to win the planking competition. Going into his best event, the Home Run Derby, Brother Riley was already creating separation and he was talking his shit. After tying for the win last year, Bryce flopped bad, hitting only 6 home runs and finishing in 6th place and losing to Carl. Jake Murphy had his best performance ever, most likely a result of Bryce’s ELITE BP, hitting 3 home runs. Eventually, Riley came up to bat and started BLASTIN some dingers. He finished as the winner with 14 homers, and was out to a big early lead. There really are no words to put this year’s beer mile performances into their proper context. Nupp ran a 5:42 mile, while drinking 4 beers and NOT puking. Jake Murphy also broke 6 but puked, followed by Connor and Jason running in the 6:10 range, also without puking. AND LET IT BE KNOWN. BROTHER JONNY TODD WAS HUFFIN AND PUFFIN ON HIS WAY TO A 7TH PLACE FINISH IN A SUB 9:00 MILE. Freshman Brocathlete Grant Holland talked a HUGE game coming in, claiming he would dethrone Nupp. Grant ended up finishing in 12th. Nuff said. The Pigskin Precision Classic lacked excitement at the top this year, with Jason handily winning and catapulting himself back into the race for 2020’s Ultimate Male Champion. The Cantonian 100. Every man was muddy, cut up, and physically exhausted. Connor, on his way to victory, ate a face full of mud. Brother Bryce got to the home stretch of his Cantonian 100 and realized no one had set up that part of the course for him. A shame that resulted in an additional 3 seconds added to his final time. Steiner, for the 2nd year in a row, had terrible cramping. Jake Murphy struggled MIGHTILY to bust open his Pepsi can. Gage, as he does, was complaining about being the Guinea Pig for this event. Any guess as to who won the eating event? BROTHER JAKE MURPHY IN A BLAZING 48.6 SECONDS – 13 SECONDS FASTER THAN THE NEXT GUY. But who was the next guy? None other than his TWIN, first-time Brocathlete Josh Murphy. Maybe these guys have some weird genes or something. Paul, in the midst of his worst Brocathlon ever, put every condiment on his GWEASY burger. Bryce got last – what else is new. In this year’s Knockout, Brother AJ was not to be trifled with. Because of his performances in the first four games, AJ was able to get last in the final game and STILL win by 4 points. Brother Bryce, like Paul, was in the midst of his worst Brocathlon ever. But basketball is his event, right? With Carl in his head, Bryce had a last place and 15th place finish in addition to winning two of the games. The result? A sadly 4th place. At this point, the Yenny brothers had fallen off from their earlier places where they were nipping at Riley’s heels. We would sadly not be having our first back-to-back champion ever. We did, HOWEVER, have a helluva a competition. Brother Riley CHOKED away his lead, most notably with a 15TH PLACE finish in Knockout. At the same time, Brothers JJ and Jason had been staying steady all day. Going into the final two events we had some major questions. Would another college athlete win? Would we have a newbie champion who led wire to wire? Or would we have our first ever two-time champion? In Cornhole, 1 year after tying for the win, Brother Jason got 8th place, effectively taking him out of the running. Riley got 3rd place compared to JJ’s 5th place, but that would most likely not be enough to secure an overall win. So, as we moved to the penultimate event, it seemed we had a likely winner… BUT. Before we could crown that winner, we had to have the overly dramatic Bob the Builder Engineering Extravaganza. Brother Nupp, our resident Civil Engineer, was focused on getting himself a win. Brother Riley was also in the same boat. In their focus, they forgot to fully understand the rules of the contest. As a result, Brother Carl was PISSED. An EMERGENCY High Council Meeting was called and penalties were imposed on the rule breakers, but Carl was still pouting. “50% of infinity is still infinity” he said, as he sat in the corner pouting. Riley, despite the cheating, had a terrible structure. Nupp’s structure held an incredible 12 pounds but was halved because of rule-breaking. FINALLY, Brother Carl got to go. And what do you know, he won! Maybe 50% of infinity isn’t still infinity after all. With 65 points, we had an official champion, and he didn’t win any events. SHOUTOUT TO BROTHER JJ OLIVERA.